Pirates of the Caribbean II: The Abridged Script
by Shenzi
Summary: I've always wanted to write an abridged script, I'm just not good enough. Fortunately, I'm not quite concious, so the me that doubts any skill resides in my bones is now held in a deathgrip by the me who wants t'write an abridged script. PotC II Spoilers.
1. This is the first chapter

Hello again everyone! I haven't written a parody of a movie in _forever_ and that is therefore what I plan to do now. Oh yes, I even have a good movie (well, not a bad one). As you may know, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest came to theatres this morning at 12:01 am. I had the good fortune to see that particular showing (in full pirate get-up, naturally). Now, I am going to write the abridged script (although, the movie was pretty pointless…to really abridge it, I would have to skip it and go on to the third). I stole the abridged script thing from Tristan2's Dracula: The Abridged Script, which (s)he stole from some other guy…et cetera.

So, without further ado, Pirates of the Caribbean II: The Abridged Script.

* * *

_ext. Port Royal, rainy_

KIERA KNIGHTLY  
Oh my. It is my wedding day and the groom is MIA. How nice that it is raining to increase the  
dramatic effect of my being left at the altar.

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Hey Kiera, what's cooking? Crap I've been arrested. Wah. (tries to act and fails miserably)

KIERA KNIGHTLY  
I will now act the part of a headstrong woman as I do in every movie I've ever been in.  
(does so) Hey, wiggy! WTF!

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Iam oddly turned on by this.

_Camera cuts to a man in a white wig, who is reminiscent of JACK DAVENPORT_

AUDIENCE  
**_JACK DAVENPORT!  
_**

BECKETT  
No, fools! 'Tis I! LAWD BECKETT! I have an amazing vocabulary and I shall now flaunt  
it! HA! Take that, ORLANDO BLOOM.

KIERA KNIGHTLY  
Orlando! You have to defend your honor!

ORLANDO BLOOM  
No, actually, he has a point. His eloquence is unchallenged.

KIERA KNIGHTLY  
Wimp.

BECKETT  
Anyway, you losers are condemned unless ORLANDO here can get Johnny Depp-

ORLANDO & KIERA  
CAPTAIN Johnny Depp

AUDIENCE  
Oh, giggle, they're in Loove!

BECKETT  
Right. Him. Steal his compass. Blah blah.

_Ext. The Black Pearl, night._

JOHNNY DEPP  
No rum…why's the rum gone…oh that's why…

FEMALES (okay and some males) IN AUDIENCE  
SWOON

JOHNNY DEPP  
Yay! Secret hidden store of rum…la la. HOLY SHIT.

ORLANDO BLOOM'S FATHER comes out of the shadows dripping water a la Senator Kelly from X-MEN.

BOOTSTRAP  
Jooohnnnnyyyyyyy….bewaaaarrree! You are ouuuuut of tiiiiiime.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Wait a minute, this sounds familiar. Are you my old partner come to tell me to beware of my  
business because you went to hell and you don't want that to happen to me?

BOOTSTRAP  
In a nutshell, yes.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Yeah, I have seen this. It's called: A Christmas Carol.

GORE VERBINSKI  
Damn, origionality is lost again. Oh well, might as well keep going…

BOOTSTRAP  
Okay, well, this was fun. Let's do it again sometime. Oh, and consider yourself warned…  
woooooOOOOOOOOooooooh! (Black spot appears on JOHNNY's hand)

JOHNNY DEPP  
Man! THAT IS SO TREASURE ISLAND! (looks at hand) ew. That is not going to come off.  
(tries to run away from KRAKEN by going in shallows) (is captured by cannibals) Drat.

_Ext. Tortuga, various times_

ORLANDO BLOOM  
(Looks for JOHNNY)

RANDOM GUY  
(speaks French)

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Alrighty then.

ORLANDO somehow bumbles his way onto the Island of the CANNIBALS along with practically every comic relief character imaginable. MERRY and PIPPEN are there.

ORLANDO BLOOM  
(is captured by CANNIBALS)

JOHNNY DEPP  
(pretends to speak French) Eechie okai seh. L'homme est eunich. Snippy, Snippy. L'homme  
est trop petit. Il est anarexeek. L'homme est homosexual. L'homme n'est pas aussi delicieux.  
Vomeet. Tres nasty. Mal homme. MAL.

ORLANDO BLOOM  
?huh?

_Yeah, shit happens and ORLANDO is put in a spherical cage with some other pirates (all of whom are from the BLACK PEARL. Comic relief insues._

JOHNNY DEPP  
(runs from cannibals)

Ext. Port Royal, Night

GOV. SWANN  
(tries to free KIERA) (fails)

KIERA KNIGHTLY  
(points gun at BECKETT) I am VINDICTIVE, damn it!

BECKETT  
Whatever you say, (under breath) psycho!

_Yeah, KIERA steals documents making her and ORLANDO free citizens and promptly joins a CREW. Pirates? I dunno, maybe._

_To wrap up this chapter: JOHNNY and ORLANDO are fleeing cannibals and a KRAKEN. KIERA is masquerading as a man (again) and DAVY JONES is plotting to capture JOHNNY's soul, which for some reason is worth 100 souls._

DUN DUN DUN

(that implies a cliffhanger)

* * *

Hey! What do you think? You have to keep in mind that I only had three hours of sleep last night. I think I'm doing pretty well, even if it is a bit tedious and a bit garbled. I just felt like I should get this up before most of the rest of the PotC II fics come in. More chapters, I promise. Thank you for your donation of time and brain cells and I hope you stop by for chapter two (It'll probably be up today…) 


	2. Insert Title Here

Hi! A week later later, here I am. Writing another chapter. I am so proud of everybody for caring enough to review! THANK YOU GUYSH:cries:

Wow. That was freaky beyond belief. Sappy version of Shenzi? Ugh. :shudder: Well, Ill try to go back to being me...dude, I've heard the same song on the radio twice in the past half hour...oh well.

Want to know the real reason I haven't got more chapters up? I'm lazy. I had this all written out, spell-checked, and EVERYTHING and I thought it was too short. Too short. Yes, you read that correctly. This chapter, which is longer than the last, is TOO SHORT for me. Ugh. Anyway, it's up now, and now that I've written this, I'm going to have to spell-check it AGAIN. Feh.

Oh yeah, I own nothing. Except the PotC II poster I got out of the Trib.

Oh well, here goes:

* * *

CHAPTER TWO: --insert title here-- 

_As you may (or may not) remember, our heroes (ha, yeah whatever) were in various traumatic situations when we left them last. JOHNNY DEPP and ORLANDO BLOOM were running around screaming (oh, and trying to not be eaten by cannibals) and KEIRA was running around pretending to be male. Lots of running was involved._

_Ext. Ship, not a pretty as the Pearl which is not QUITE as pretty as the Surprise. _

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
I totally look like a dude.

SAILORS  
You mean you aren't?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
Um...sure, I'm male... (makes a wedding dress fly around)

_Ext. Black Pearl_

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Hey, Johnny? Why do we have to go so fast? My stomach hurts (whines).

JOHNNY DEPP  
Shut up and go faster! IN THE SHALLOWS, DAMN IT! (twitches)

_Oh yeah, they escaped the cannibals using comic relief. Two pirates from the first movie and a dog. Very amusing, but if you want details, see the damn movie._

_JOHNNY later decides to BE A MAN, and he goes to see BILL NIGHY._

_Ext. Nighttime, utterly spooky for no apparent reason._

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Why are we here?

JOHNNY DEPP  
We needed a reason for KEIRA KNIGHTLY to try to save your sorry ass.

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Save me? You mean...

JOHNNY DEPP  
Yep. Sorry mate, but you had a nice run, and anyway, I'm more attractive than you are, thus giving me a reason to stay alive.

CRAZED ORLANDO BLOOM FANGIRLS (alright! AND FANBOYS. Sorry.)  
No! Orli's the prettier one! (they attack JOHNNY DEPP)

GORE VERBINSKI  
Wait a minute, YOU'RE NOT IN THE CAST! (calls security and arrests fan people)

JOHNNY DEPP  
Right. Well. Uh...SAY HELLO TO DAVY JONES FOR ME! Arrr. (pushes ORLANDO overboard).

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Hello BILL NIGHY

BILL NIGHY  
You are now my slave

ORLANDO BLOOM  
Damn.

_Meanwhile, KEIRA KNIGHTLY is busy finding out where the love of her life is._

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
Where's JOHNNY DEPP?

PLOT DEVICE  
In Tortuga .

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
Jolly Good. (goes to Tortuga )

_Ext. Tortuga, looks just like the ride in Disneyland . Probably filmed there to save money on actors and set. And costumes. Wow, they could save a lot if they tried!_

JOHNNY DEPP  
I need drunk people! Drunk people who want to be in the crew of the Black Pearl and don't mind losing their immortal soul! OVER HERE! (Drunk people, including JACK DAVENPORT, cluster around JOHNNY DEPP)

JACK DAVENPORT  
I'm drunk and looking for a fight. Hey, someone I hate (he launches himself at JOHNNY DEPP)

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
I am reminiscent on Viola from Twelfth Night. Stop fighting, men who love me.

JOHNNY & JACK  
Huh?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
Um...I'm a guy. Carry on.

_The fighting leads to comic relief on Ms. KNIGHTLY's part, in which she knocks JACK DAVENPORT out and says something to the effect of: "I wanted to do that myself."_

JOHNNY DEPP  
Well, I'd better get out of here (acts comically, relieving the audience from the stress of the bar fight)

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
Not without me, you aren't leaving.

JOHNNY DEPP  
What do you want?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
The man I love.

JOHNNY DEPP  
Well, I'm flattered, but this is such a bad time-

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
NOT YOU! ORLANDO BLOOM (sigh)

JACK DAVENPORT  
(vomits)

JOHNNY DEPP  
okay, let's go.

_They party on the seas for a bit, JOHNNY hits on KEIRA who flirts with him for some UNEXPLAINABLE REASON._

KEIRA KNIGHTLY  
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU THREW MY FIANCEE AT BILL NIGHY AND RAN AWAY!

JOHNNY DEPP  
Uh...no?

_Meanwhile, ORLANDO BLOOM has been reunited with his fadre, BOOTSTRAP BILL._

ORLANDO BLOOM  
DADDY! (loses at dice)

_OH NO! Our heroes :snicker: are trapped! ORLANDO BLOOM has lost his soul to BILL NIGHY in a game of dice! KEIRA KNIGHTY is stuck on a boat with JOHNNY DEPP, and JOHNNY DEPP has JACK DAVENPORT and an effing KRAKEN to worry about! WILL THEY MAKE IT! find out next time on-_

This fic has now been ended due to stealing of copyrighted material from DC Comics.

Batman belongs to DC comics…oh and METV, I guess.

* * *

Thanks to: 

Harry's Girl --thanks, you pushed me to finally putting this up.

Galinda -- love the name, what'd you think of Mr. Davenport (dans cette chapitre)?

Fly -- thanks for the spelling stuff, I'd fix it, but then I'd have to delete the first chapter and it'd screw everything up. I promise to fix any further mistakes though.

Psycho -- glad I could make you laugh.

Shloop! -- I'll have to make a deleted scenes chapter and put that in.

Arwen -- yay! Thanks for reviewing.

Masked Fairy --I'm sorry, I've written so much pointless stuff, it's rather hard to break the habit. Hope you liked this one better! Sorry about Keira, spell check didn't fix it, so I assumed it was right. It's correct in this chapter!

Grey -- take me seriously? This is a parody! It's a joke! I don't hate the movie, I'm fondly mocking it! Sorry for the spelling though…I'll work on that.

Rebel -- right on.

Jade --wow, that is one heck of a compliment! Thanks!

A:lksdjf:lks -- Huh? I don't understand…

Scribe -- thanks, I love the French thing too…I amuse myself so easily…

Daydreamer -- go you, indeed I wish I could afford $9 to go see it again…well, I guess I could, but then I would have no money for theatre.

Norry Fangirl -- wow! Thanks for not hating this parody! I feel special!

Just to be --heck yeah, I saw it in costume! I'm still wearing the medallion and boots (well, that's 'cause my other shoes fell apart but STILL…)

Thanks for liking it (unless you didn't in which the previous statement doesn't apply to you).


	3. There's more of this crap?

Hey kids. I finally sat down and wrote a third chapter. Actually, I wrote it and lost it and re-wrote it and re-lost it. And now I just found an old handwritten copy. So I typed it up, made some changes, tried to figure out what most of it even meant and cut a bunch of junk. So, brought to you by Old Spice (hey, I played Doctor as a kid)...

**Chapter Three: Return to a Painful Experience.**

Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to the second pirates movie. Nothing. Nada.

* * *

_Okay, so from what I remember, we left ORLANDO BLOOM stuck on the JOLLY ROGER with his dad and (somehow) not his soul. JOHNNY and KEIRA are being chased by JACK DAVENPORT and a KRAKEN! So, let's continue._

_ORLANDO somehow escapes from the JOLLY ROGER andf finds himself on the same boat that KEIRA just escaped from._

ORLANDO  
(twitches, staring at KEIRA's wedding dress)

CREW MEMBER  
Dude, why are you staring at my dress?!

ORLANDO  
Wait… _YOUR_ **_DRESS?!_**

CREW MEMBER  
(Meaningless drabble)

ORLANDO  
Hey! This is kind of like a plot!

_Sudddenly, the ship is eaten by a KRAKEN – along with the aforementioned bare traces of the plot._

GORE VERBINSKI  
That was close.

_As ORLANDO is a main character, and a bastard, he survives, leaving the rest of the crew to die. Kind chap, eh? In hamony to the tomented screams of the sailors ORLANDO left to die, BILL NIGHY seems to be playing the ORGAN._

_If this isn't a good movie, I don't know what is._

_And by the way, ORLANDO's shaggy mug makes him look like a woman._

_Lucky for ORLANDO BLOOM, BILL NIGHY has his gaze transfixed on KEIRA's wedding dress. This is a plot device known as STALLING._

_Meanwhile, JOHNNY and KEIRA are stuck on a ship with JACK DAVENPORT._

_Ext: A Ship with JACK DAVENPORT on it_

JOHNNY  
Sleep with me.

KEIRA  
No.

_My guess is that this scene would STILL be going on if the camera hadn't been eaten by the KRAKEN. During the scene, however, KEIRA gets CONFUSED._

KEIRA  
Shit, man! I think I'm in love with JOHNNY.

_Romantic tension builds, as does the desire for the movie to end. Fortunately, we are distracted from all of this, because the Black Pearl has now LANDED._

_Ext: An Island. Also with JACK DAVENPORT on it._

JOHNNY  
Start digging, Jack.

_JACK DAVENPORT begins to dig, KEIRA KNIGHTLY (self-admittedly lazy (hey, watch the special features for the first movie)) watches, glowering at JOHNNY, who's meditating for absolutely no reason. This is okay, however, because ORLANDO is now sprinting towards the terrible trio._

_Just then, JACK DAVENPORT uncovers the title chest. Bad music by a bad composer (although, I will admit that he did a good job on Batman) plays._

ORLANDO  
JOHNNY, you moron! Why'd you toss me at BILL NIGHY?!

_JOHNNY tries to remember his plan, but it was sadly eaten by a KRAKEN._

ORLANDO  
Yeah, that tends to happen.

_At this moment, KEIRA KNIGHTLY realizes that not only is she a very whorish and conflicted individual with way too much eye makeup and ribs that stick out so far that they're starting to tear her flesh, but that JOHNNY has lied to her._

KEIRA  
Wait, WHAT?!

JOHNNY  
What?

ME  
WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!?

KEIRA  
You lieeeeed to mee! You're a liar, FRED! She shoots him, twice

_Wait, no. That was Chicago. Never mind. The actual line would be more like:_

KEIRA  
You bitch!

JOHNNY  
Duh, love.

_Everybody gets angry and JACK DAVENPORT acts very stealthy while they all stare at the chest. Which is, in fact, a chest that one keeps something in, not a torso. They starreeeee and sttaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaareeee..._

* * *

Okay, because I am tired of writing and can't think of a good cliffhanger, THE END. Er, of the chapter. So, go cry about how sucky this one was, complain about it to me, I'll take it off and try to write a better one (or in reality, eat some Americone Dream Ice Cream) and we'll all be (somewhat) merrier.

Right. Reviews.

Ginny Wazlib – Why thank you. Love your name, by the way. Sounds so very familiar….

Solo by Choice – I'm glad that my story is working your flabby abs. I hope to provide readers everywhere with cute little 15 packs.

PsychoPiratess – Yeahh… this isn't soon. Sorry about that.

GreviousDaydreamer – Um. There was a vague reference.. when I get tired I get nerdy and unfunny. Sorry. I reference it better here!

EmoryHotti – My, what a … name you have. Ms. Hotti. It is Miss, isn't it? And thank you, I will have fun torturing fans of this movie. … Sorry, are there any?

Redflower Fox – I am so jealous. I wish I had a Norrington to snuggle. Hm. I'll have to go to sleep and dream one up.

SweetBlackSorrow – Well, I didn't. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible person. I hope that one day, you look back and I've finished it and you say, "You know, she wrote about a chapter every two years" because you'd be right.

Skyebird – Happy Birthday, whenever that may be. Here's your chapter, order up.

Luthy Lovett – Oh my gosh. "Luthy" Like Lucy with a lisp? That's hilarious. Thanks. You made my… er. Morning.

Natz – Okay. Thanks. Will do.

Jade Sparrow – You liked the last cliffhanger? Wait till you read this one! Or. Actually, you probably already have. Annnnnd it sucked. Sorry about that.

Helen Pattskyn – Well, gee. Thanks.

All right, I am GOING TO BED, DANGIT

Good night and good luck.


End file.
